i think i've pinpointed the source of my unrest and general feeling shitty about everything.
i'm at a point in my life where i have nothing to call my own.
i'm not talking about material things here; i'm talking about people, and relationships between us. i have no special connection or relationship with anyone around me that i can say is exclusive between myself and that person alone. how freaking sad is that. my closest friends who i suppose i could say i would and do share such relationships with, are away either physically [for the most part] or mentally [for whatever reason]. what i have learned though, is that this sort of "exclusive" relationship, is pretty much reserved for real best friends and significant others [which respectively, are also both mutually exclusive]. even when it comes to other people who you might THINK you have this special relationship with, you probably don't; and for good reason, as it's hard to keep more than a couple of these sorts of relationships adequately in check, and of maximum benefit to both parties. but then of course you have your family which is the over arching sort of "belongingness" to which you belong. for me, family is...there, but not really there, i guess. but you know how it is, they may be holding you back in certain ways, but at the same time they are definitely holding you down. family is the one thing you can't live without. to be without family is to not experience life, to not be a whole person. sometimes unfortunate consquences need to occur before you fully realize it, and i hope you never fully realize it.
anyway, this whole "solo" sort of status that i am experiencing is typically fine with me. i have no problem being alone, and savour the silence that comes with it. but i guess this is a different level of that; a heightened sense aloneness if you will. i don't even have my cat =(. what a freaking sob story, lol. anyone wanna be my "special" friend? lol, okay, that's enough.
surprised this even made it to the blog.
laters.
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5 comments:
You still have the BELIEVERS...
Please Believe that...
-Jafar :)
WOW.
a little offended "soulmate".
:(
I'm going to comment anonymously. I hate that word - too hard to spell it.
Special relationships with others aside. What about your relationship with yourself. "ME" time is something I believe people don't get enough of. Think about it. How many times do you put aside things you wanna do because you wanna spend time with one of your friends?
I'm not saying friends are bad of leechy or anything but taking ME time is as important as spending time with friends and family.
dear anonymous,
"me" time is something i greatly value, and always make sure i get enough of. if you knew me, you'd know this about me; i appreciate time to myself, whether it's quiet contemplation, reading, watching movies or anything else. that aside, my point is that humans are an undeniably social race...we need interactions with other humans to make us what and who we are. if you look it up, there are sad articles about kids who were never properly socialized, and now suffer as a result. inability to relate to others in social situations, or create social bonds is a symptom of more than one mental disorder.
i'm just trying to emphasize the importance of social relation, especially one that is what i feel, most important. and since writing this post, my opinion has only become stronger.
thanks for reading!
I totally understand where you are coming from. You feel like you are in some sort of a rut and will do anything to get out of it. But, sadly that is not how it works. There is this evil thing called destiny. Unfortunately, it decides what happens when, where and how. I hope its sooner than later for both of us :)
Kam
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