i think i've pinpointed the source of my unrest and general feeling shitty about everything.
i'm at a point in my life where i have nothing to call my own.
i'm not talking about material things here; i'm talking about people, and relationships between us. i have no special connection or relationship with anyone around me that i can say is exclusive between myself and that person alone. how freaking sad is that. my closest friends who i suppose i could say i would and do share such relationships with, are away either physically [for the most part] or mentally [for whatever reason]. what i have learned though, is that this sort of "exclusive" relationship, is pretty much reserved for real best friends and significant others [which respectively, are also both mutually exclusive]. even when it comes to other people who you might THINK you have this special relationship with, you probably don't; and for good reason, as it's hard to keep more than a couple of these sorts of relationships adequately in check, and of maximum benefit to both parties. but then of course you have your family which is the over arching sort of "belongingness" to which you belong. for me, family is...there, but not really there, i guess. but you know how it is, they may be holding you back in certain ways, but at the same time they are definitely holding you down. family is the one thing you can't live without. to be without family is to not experience life, to not be a whole person. sometimes unfortunate consquences need to occur before you fully realize it, and i hope you never fully realize it.
anyway, this whole "solo" sort of status that i am experiencing is typically fine with me. i have no problem being alone, and savour the silence that comes with it. but i guess this is a different level of that; a heightened sense aloneness if you will. i don't even have my cat =(. what a freaking sob story, lol. anyone wanna be my "special" friend? lol, okay, that's enough.
surprised this even made it to the blog.
laters.
12.16.2006
'tis the f-ing season!
been feeling rather shitty lately.
maybe it's because of the seemingly ENDLESS exam period stretching until the third week of december that is underway. although it's a definite plus to not have all my exams crammed together, this three week period is really oppressive. we're forced to ONLY think about exams, and even any sort of social outing or even conversation makes us feel guilty about spending time doing something other than studying. even sleeping during the 24 hours prior to an exam makes me feel guilty...sometimes.
speaking of sleeping, and exam time, the monster procrastinatrix in me has once again emerged, and FORCES me to put off studying as long as i possibly can, by sleeping all the damn time, or so it seems. my sleeping schedule is SO out of wack that i sleep in the day, and i'm up all night, it's crazy. but when i have an exam in the very near future, it's like sleep less [3 hrs, maybe] and study a hell of a lot more! although i am losing my determination...not a good thing. well, only a few more days of this, and then i can go to back to somewhat normal, whatever that means.
another thing that sucks about this time of year is the INSANITY that ensues on mall property. i went to the mall thursday afternoon, around 1pm, and there was barely any parking. i was shocked; don't you people have J O B S ? or S C H O O L ? what the F. needless to say i am absolutely elated at the fact that i no longer work in the mall...seeing all those retail employees hustling made me wonder how, and WHY i did it for so long? on this relatively short visit, the christmas music REALLY got to me...you don't experience it much if you don't want to, but mariah carey's voice is an inescapable reality during this holiday season, especially in the world of retail.
the extent to which christmas has become THE commercial holiday it is, is absolutely mind-boggling. CHRISTMAS = PRESENTS. hence the mall madness [including the decorations, music, sales, gift-wrapping, various santas to sit on the laps of and take pictures with, crowds, etc.], the post office madness [piles of brown paper wrapped packages spilling into the isles, and huge line-ups] and the massive influx of toy commercials [those "bratz" dolls are damn ugly]. it creates expectations in the minds of children growing up today, especially kids who aren't even christian. i know i definitely wanted to celebrate it as i was growing up, especially because it was so commonplace even in school with decorations everywhere, christmas assemblies and parties. another reason was the fact that the first day back in january, everyone at school was decked out in new clothes and the first question you got asked was "what did YOU get for christmas?". it's kinda funny, the hell i put my parents through to make sure i got at least SOMETHING new to wear and talk about that first day back...i wonder what percentage of families who exchange gifts and put up trees during christmas aren't even christian?
in any case, i find the act of gift-giving on christmas a very tedious and rehearsed sort of practice. my aunt is christian [yes, she really is, and she really goes to church on a REGULAR basis] and the traditional gift exchange goes on at her place every year. i dread it with every bone in my body. i just hate the "and this gift is from _____ to _____" and the "oh, thank you! i love it!" while everyone watches while you open up your gift and hug the person who gave it to you. yech. it's all such an act. i also HATE shopping for gifts! i love seeing my family, they are [for the most part, ha ha ha] great people, but the forced conversation and all that comes along with it are enough for me to gag, and constantly vow to myself to make sure i am out of the country the next christmas. never really happens though. just call me scrooge. whatever.
and now for the asides that didn't make the original post.
aside #1: why are people still racist? shouldn't this be over by now? people of colour are taking over the world, GET FUCKING USED TO IT. i went to the bank and was asking my friendly, white, 50, maybe 60-something banking lady a couple of questions, and she was just not nice about anything at all. she pissed me off. then today i was in a grocery store in richmond hill on bathurst [happy hanukah] and i was in the way of some man, so i moved and said sorry. he just stopped and looked at me with this cold, condescending sort of glare. fuck you, i got out of your way AND i said sorry. some people just suck.
aside #2: people who think that they know everything about everything really, really piss me off. people who think they have some sort of relation to, or inside view on any certain topic, REALLY bug me. you don't know more about the state of China's rice fields, more than i do, so shut up, thanks. weird example, i know, but you get what i mean. those people who when you mention something you may have heard in the news, suddenly know everything about that topic and are all like "oh yeah, blahblahblah, didn't you know?" SHUT THE FUCK UP. i could say much more, but let's keep the shit away from the fan... =)
what a crazy post. happy holidays.
maybe it's because of the seemingly ENDLESS exam period stretching until the third week of december that is underway. although it's a definite plus to not have all my exams crammed together, this three week period is really oppressive. we're forced to ONLY think about exams, and even any sort of social outing or even conversation makes us feel guilty about spending time doing something other than studying. even sleeping during the 24 hours prior to an exam makes me feel guilty...sometimes.
speaking of sleeping, and exam time, the monster procrastinatrix in me has once again emerged, and FORCES me to put off studying as long as i possibly can, by sleeping all the damn time, or so it seems. my sleeping schedule is SO out of wack that i sleep in the day, and i'm up all night, it's crazy. but when i have an exam in the very near future, it's like sleep less [3 hrs, maybe] and study a hell of a lot more! although i am losing my determination...not a good thing. well, only a few more days of this, and then i can go to back to somewhat normal, whatever that means.
another thing that sucks about this time of year is the INSANITY that ensues on mall property. i went to the mall thursday afternoon, around 1pm, and there was barely any parking. i was shocked; don't you people have J O B S ? or S C H O O L ? what the F. needless to say i am absolutely elated at the fact that i no longer work in the mall...seeing all those retail employees hustling made me wonder how, and WHY i did it for so long? on this relatively short visit, the christmas music REALLY got to me...you don't experience it much if you don't want to, but mariah carey's voice is an inescapable reality during this holiday season, especially in the world of retail.
the extent to which christmas has become THE commercial holiday it is, is absolutely mind-boggling. CHRISTMAS = PRESENTS. hence the mall madness [including the decorations, music, sales, gift-wrapping, various santas to sit on the laps of and take pictures with, crowds, etc.], the post office madness [piles of brown paper wrapped packages spilling into the isles, and huge line-ups] and the massive influx of toy commercials [those "bratz" dolls are damn ugly]. it creates expectations in the minds of children growing up today, especially kids who aren't even christian. i know i definitely wanted to celebrate it as i was growing up, especially because it was so commonplace even in school with decorations everywhere, christmas assemblies and parties. another reason was the fact that the first day back in january, everyone at school was decked out in new clothes and the first question you got asked was "what did YOU get for christmas?". it's kinda funny, the hell i put my parents through to make sure i got at least SOMETHING new to wear and talk about that first day back...i wonder what percentage of families who exchange gifts and put up trees during christmas aren't even christian?
in any case, i find the act of gift-giving on christmas a very tedious and rehearsed sort of practice. my aunt is christian [yes, she really is, and she really goes to church on a REGULAR basis] and the traditional gift exchange goes on at her place every year. i dread it with every bone in my body. i just hate the "and this gift is from _____ to _____" and the "oh, thank you! i love it!" while everyone watches while you open up your gift and hug the person who gave it to you. yech. it's all such an act. i also HATE shopping for gifts! i love seeing my family, they are [for the most part, ha ha ha] great people, but the forced conversation and all that comes along with it are enough for me to gag, and constantly vow to myself to make sure i am out of the country the next christmas. never really happens though. just call me scrooge. whatever.
and now for the asides that didn't make the original post.
aside #1: why are people still racist? shouldn't this be over by now? people of colour are taking over the world, GET FUCKING USED TO IT. i went to the bank and was asking my friendly, white, 50, maybe 60-something banking lady a couple of questions, and she was just not nice about anything at all. she pissed me off. then today i was in a grocery store in richmond hill on bathurst [happy hanukah] and i was in the way of some man, so i moved and said sorry. he just stopped and looked at me with this cold, condescending sort of glare. fuck you, i got out of your way AND i said sorry. some people just suck.
aside #2: people who think that they know everything about everything really, really piss me off. people who think they have some sort of relation to, or inside view on any certain topic, REALLY bug me. you don't know more about the state of China's rice fields, more than i do, so shut up, thanks. weird example, i know, but you get what i mean. those people who when you mention something you may have heard in the news, suddenly know everything about that topic and are all like "oh yeah, blahblahblah, didn't you know?" SHUT THE FUCK UP. i could say much more, but let's keep the shit away from the fan... =)
what a crazy post. happy holidays.
12.10.2006
Report: UFI readings at unprecedented level
i always seem to have the urge to blog at the most inopportune times. however, regardless of the fact that i have an exam i am ridiculously unprepared for tomorrow morning, i need to share something with you all. it may be a bit of a waste of my short-lived caffiene buzz, but, i'll do it anyway!
i have made a discovery while studying here at my beloved UTSC. being the studious little bunny i am, studying here on a surprisingly temperate sunday afternoon, it has been brought to my attention that apparently there is an unmistakable influx of ugliness at UTSC on the weekends. perhaps i am generalizing, i mean i suppose i can't really speak for saturday when i make this claim, but i stand by it nonetheless.
UFI [ugliness factor index] readings are through the roof on this unsuspecting sunday. there are ugly people EVERYWHERE. seemingly innumerable ugly people who dress ugly, eat ugly, smell ugly have somehow infiltrated the school, and are in every corner, every nook and yes, every cubicle.
now, i know i'm not one to comment on the subject of ugliness [specifically, the dressing ugly part...or the ugly hair part] but if even i took notice, there is definitely something wrong with this picture. in the VERY long line-up for tim horton's, i saw people i have never seen here before, people dressed in pyjamas, people wearing extremely ill-fitting t-shirts and track pants, people, with a complete lack of care or interest in their personal presentation. i know that UTSC is typically an ugly school, with nothing to look at especially in comparison to york [in terms of architecture AND individuals], but today is simply ridiculous and inexcusable.
given, a certain degree of ugliness during this especially horrendous exam period is acceptable. showering unfortunately, becomes optional [FOR SOME...myself of course, not included]. hair maintenance is at a minimum. and dress is by far, at the bottom of the barrel. but there needs to be a line drawn at some point. and whatever happened to UTSC police kicking out UofT wannabes out of the school? the aunties and uncles [some genunine, some just look like they could be] are lowering our standards, which, although meagre, are standards nonetheless.
your interest in this increasingly alarming status of UTSC is appreciated. updates will be posted on the aesthetic appeal of the school and its students as they become available. we are hopeful that there will be improvements to report, but this is only possible with your help. here are some ways you can show your support:
-SHOWER
-BRUSH YOUR HAIR
-WEAR RELATIVELY CLEAN CLOTHING
-WEAR RELATIVELY WELL-FITTING CLOTHING
-DON'T CHEW WITH YOUR DAMN MOUTH OPEN
-DON'T SMILE AT NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE BY YOURSELF [creeps me out]
thanks you for your concern. now back to your regularly scheduled study time.
i have made a discovery while studying here at my beloved UTSC. being the studious little bunny i am, studying here on a surprisingly temperate sunday afternoon, it has been brought to my attention that apparently there is an unmistakable influx of ugliness at UTSC on the weekends. perhaps i am generalizing, i mean i suppose i can't really speak for saturday when i make this claim, but i stand by it nonetheless.
UFI [ugliness factor index] readings are through the roof on this unsuspecting sunday. there are ugly people EVERYWHERE. seemingly innumerable ugly people who dress ugly, eat ugly, smell ugly have somehow infiltrated the school, and are in every corner, every nook and yes, every cubicle.
now, i know i'm not one to comment on the subject of ugliness [specifically, the dressing ugly part...or the ugly hair part] but if even i took notice, there is definitely something wrong with this picture. in the VERY long line-up for tim horton's, i saw people i have never seen here before, people dressed in pyjamas, people wearing extremely ill-fitting t-shirts and track pants, people, with a complete lack of care or interest in their personal presentation. i know that UTSC is typically an ugly school, with nothing to look at especially in comparison to york [in terms of architecture AND individuals], but today is simply ridiculous and inexcusable.
given, a certain degree of ugliness during this especially horrendous exam period is acceptable. showering unfortunately, becomes optional [FOR SOME...myself of course, not included]. hair maintenance is at a minimum. and dress is by far, at the bottom of the barrel. but there needs to be a line drawn at some point. and whatever happened to UTSC police kicking out UofT wannabes out of the school? the aunties and uncles [some genunine, some just look like they could be] are lowering our standards, which, although meagre, are standards nonetheless.
your interest in this increasingly alarming status of UTSC is appreciated. updates will be posted on the aesthetic appeal of the school and its students as they become available. we are hopeful that there will be improvements to report, but this is only possible with your help. here are some ways you can show your support:
-SHOWER
-BRUSH YOUR HAIR
-WEAR RELATIVELY CLEAN CLOTHING
-WEAR RELATIVELY WELL-FITTING CLOTHING
-DON'T CHEW WITH YOUR DAMN MOUTH OPEN
-DON'T SMILE AT NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE BY YOURSELF [creeps me out]
thanks you for your concern. now back to your regularly scheduled study time.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)