i think i've pinpointed the source of my unrest and general feeling shitty about everything.
i'm at a point in my life where i have nothing to call my own.
i'm not talking about material things here; i'm talking about people, and relationships between us. i have no special connection or relationship with anyone around me that i can say is exclusive between myself and that person alone. how freaking sad is that. my closest friends who i suppose i could say i would and do share such relationships with, are away either physically [for the most part] or mentally [for whatever reason]. what i have learned though, is that this sort of "exclusive" relationship, is pretty much reserved for real best friends and significant others [which respectively, are also both mutually exclusive]. even when it comes to other people who you might THINK you have this special relationship with, you probably don't; and for good reason, as it's hard to keep more than a couple of these sorts of relationships adequately in check, and of maximum benefit to both parties. but then of course you have your family which is the over arching sort of "belongingness" to which you belong. for me, family is...there, but not really there, i guess. but you know how it is, they may be holding you back in certain ways, but at the same time they are definitely holding you down. family is the one thing you can't live without. to be without family is to not experience life, to not be a whole person. sometimes unfortunate consquences need to occur before you fully realize it, and i hope you never fully realize it.
anyway, this whole "solo" sort of status that i am experiencing is typically fine with me. i have no problem being alone, and savour the silence that comes with it. but i guess this is a different level of that; a heightened sense aloneness if you will. i don't even have my cat =(. what a freaking sob story, lol. anyone wanna be my "special" friend? lol, okay, that's enough.
surprised this even made it to the blog.
laters.
12.16.2006
'tis the f-ing season!
been feeling rather shitty lately.
maybe it's because of the seemingly ENDLESS exam period stretching until the third week of december that is underway. although it's a definite plus to not have all my exams crammed together, this three week period is really oppressive. we're forced to ONLY think about exams, and even any sort of social outing or even conversation makes us feel guilty about spending time doing something other than studying. even sleeping during the 24 hours prior to an exam makes me feel guilty...sometimes.
speaking of sleeping, and exam time, the monster procrastinatrix in me has once again emerged, and FORCES me to put off studying as long as i possibly can, by sleeping all the damn time, or so it seems. my sleeping schedule is SO out of wack that i sleep in the day, and i'm up all night, it's crazy. but when i have an exam in the very near future, it's like sleep less [3 hrs, maybe] and study a hell of a lot more! although i am losing my determination...not a good thing. well, only a few more days of this, and then i can go to back to somewhat normal, whatever that means.
another thing that sucks about this time of year is the INSANITY that ensues on mall property. i went to the mall thursday afternoon, around 1pm, and there was barely any parking. i was shocked; don't you people have J O B S ? or S C H O O L ? what the F. needless to say i am absolutely elated at the fact that i no longer work in the mall...seeing all those retail employees hustling made me wonder how, and WHY i did it for so long? on this relatively short visit, the christmas music REALLY got to me...you don't experience it much if you don't want to, but mariah carey's voice is an inescapable reality during this holiday season, especially in the world of retail.
the extent to which christmas has become THE commercial holiday it is, is absolutely mind-boggling. CHRISTMAS = PRESENTS. hence the mall madness [including the decorations, music, sales, gift-wrapping, various santas to sit on the laps of and take pictures with, crowds, etc.], the post office madness [piles of brown paper wrapped packages spilling into the isles, and huge line-ups] and the massive influx of toy commercials [those "bratz" dolls are damn ugly]. it creates expectations in the minds of children growing up today, especially kids who aren't even christian. i know i definitely wanted to celebrate it as i was growing up, especially because it was so commonplace even in school with decorations everywhere, christmas assemblies and parties. another reason was the fact that the first day back in january, everyone at school was decked out in new clothes and the first question you got asked was "what did YOU get for christmas?". it's kinda funny, the hell i put my parents through to make sure i got at least SOMETHING new to wear and talk about that first day back...i wonder what percentage of families who exchange gifts and put up trees during christmas aren't even christian?
in any case, i find the act of gift-giving on christmas a very tedious and rehearsed sort of practice. my aunt is christian [yes, she really is, and she really goes to church on a REGULAR basis] and the traditional gift exchange goes on at her place every year. i dread it with every bone in my body. i just hate the "and this gift is from _____ to _____" and the "oh, thank you! i love it!" while everyone watches while you open up your gift and hug the person who gave it to you. yech. it's all such an act. i also HATE shopping for gifts! i love seeing my family, they are [for the most part, ha ha ha] great people, but the forced conversation and all that comes along with it are enough for me to gag, and constantly vow to myself to make sure i am out of the country the next christmas. never really happens though. just call me scrooge. whatever.
and now for the asides that didn't make the original post.
aside #1: why are people still racist? shouldn't this be over by now? people of colour are taking over the world, GET FUCKING USED TO IT. i went to the bank and was asking my friendly, white, 50, maybe 60-something banking lady a couple of questions, and she was just not nice about anything at all. she pissed me off. then today i was in a grocery store in richmond hill on bathurst [happy hanukah] and i was in the way of some man, so i moved and said sorry. he just stopped and looked at me with this cold, condescending sort of glare. fuck you, i got out of your way AND i said sorry. some people just suck.
aside #2: people who think that they know everything about everything really, really piss me off. people who think they have some sort of relation to, or inside view on any certain topic, REALLY bug me. you don't know more about the state of China's rice fields, more than i do, so shut up, thanks. weird example, i know, but you get what i mean. those people who when you mention something you may have heard in the news, suddenly know everything about that topic and are all like "oh yeah, blahblahblah, didn't you know?" SHUT THE FUCK UP. i could say much more, but let's keep the shit away from the fan... =)
what a crazy post. happy holidays.
maybe it's because of the seemingly ENDLESS exam period stretching until the third week of december that is underway. although it's a definite plus to not have all my exams crammed together, this three week period is really oppressive. we're forced to ONLY think about exams, and even any sort of social outing or even conversation makes us feel guilty about spending time doing something other than studying. even sleeping during the 24 hours prior to an exam makes me feel guilty...sometimes.
speaking of sleeping, and exam time, the monster procrastinatrix in me has once again emerged, and FORCES me to put off studying as long as i possibly can, by sleeping all the damn time, or so it seems. my sleeping schedule is SO out of wack that i sleep in the day, and i'm up all night, it's crazy. but when i have an exam in the very near future, it's like sleep less [3 hrs, maybe] and study a hell of a lot more! although i am losing my determination...not a good thing. well, only a few more days of this, and then i can go to back to somewhat normal, whatever that means.
another thing that sucks about this time of year is the INSANITY that ensues on mall property. i went to the mall thursday afternoon, around 1pm, and there was barely any parking. i was shocked; don't you people have J O B S ? or S C H O O L ? what the F. needless to say i am absolutely elated at the fact that i no longer work in the mall...seeing all those retail employees hustling made me wonder how, and WHY i did it for so long? on this relatively short visit, the christmas music REALLY got to me...you don't experience it much if you don't want to, but mariah carey's voice is an inescapable reality during this holiday season, especially in the world of retail.
the extent to which christmas has become THE commercial holiday it is, is absolutely mind-boggling. CHRISTMAS = PRESENTS. hence the mall madness [including the decorations, music, sales, gift-wrapping, various santas to sit on the laps of and take pictures with, crowds, etc.], the post office madness [piles of brown paper wrapped packages spilling into the isles, and huge line-ups] and the massive influx of toy commercials [those "bratz" dolls are damn ugly]. it creates expectations in the minds of children growing up today, especially kids who aren't even christian. i know i definitely wanted to celebrate it as i was growing up, especially because it was so commonplace even in school with decorations everywhere, christmas assemblies and parties. another reason was the fact that the first day back in january, everyone at school was decked out in new clothes and the first question you got asked was "what did YOU get for christmas?". it's kinda funny, the hell i put my parents through to make sure i got at least SOMETHING new to wear and talk about that first day back...i wonder what percentage of families who exchange gifts and put up trees during christmas aren't even christian?
in any case, i find the act of gift-giving on christmas a very tedious and rehearsed sort of practice. my aunt is christian [yes, she really is, and she really goes to church on a REGULAR basis] and the traditional gift exchange goes on at her place every year. i dread it with every bone in my body. i just hate the "and this gift is from _____ to _____" and the "oh, thank you! i love it!" while everyone watches while you open up your gift and hug the person who gave it to you. yech. it's all such an act. i also HATE shopping for gifts! i love seeing my family, they are [for the most part, ha ha ha] great people, but the forced conversation and all that comes along with it are enough for me to gag, and constantly vow to myself to make sure i am out of the country the next christmas. never really happens though. just call me scrooge. whatever.
and now for the asides that didn't make the original post.
aside #1: why are people still racist? shouldn't this be over by now? people of colour are taking over the world, GET FUCKING USED TO IT. i went to the bank and was asking my friendly, white, 50, maybe 60-something banking lady a couple of questions, and she was just not nice about anything at all. she pissed me off. then today i was in a grocery store in richmond hill on bathurst [happy hanukah] and i was in the way of some man, so i moved and said sorry. he just stopped and looked at me with this cold, condescending sort of glare. fuck you, i got out of your way AND i said sorry. some people just suck.
aside #2: people who think that they know everything about everything really, really piss me off. people who think they have some sort of relation to, or inside view on any certain topic, REALLY bug me. you don't know more about the state of China's rice fields, more than i do, so shut up, thanks. weird example, i know, but you get what i mean. those people who when you mention something you may have heard in the news, suddenly know everything about that topic and are all like "oh yeah, blahblahblah, didn't you know?" SHUT THE FUCK UP. i could say much more, but let's keep the shit away from the fan... =)
what a crazy post. happy holidays.
12.10.2006
Report: UFI readings at unprecedented level
i always seem to have the urge to blog at the most inopportune times. however, regardless of the fact that i have an exam i am ridiculously unprepared for tomorrow morning, i need to share something with you all. it may be a bit of a waste of my short-lived caffiene buzz, but, i'll do it anyway!
i have made a discovery while studying here at my beloved UTSC. being the studious little bunny i am, studying here on a surprisingly temperate sunday afternoon, it has been brought to my attention that apparently there is an unmistakable influx of ugliness at UTSC on the weekends. perhaps i am generalizing, i mean i suppose i can't really speak for saturday when i make this claim, but i stand by it nonetheless.
UFI [ugliness factor index] readings are through the roof on this unsuspecting sunday. there are ugly people EVERYWHERE. seemingly innumerable ugly people who dress ugly, eat ugly, smell ugly have somehow infiltrated the school, and are in every corner, every nook and yes, every cubicle.
now, i know i'm not one to comment on the subject of ugliness [specifically, the dressing ugly part...or the ugly hair part] but if even i took notice, there is definitely something wrong with this picture. in the VERY long line-up for tim horton's, i saw people i have never seen here before, people dressed in pyjamas, people wearing extremely ill-fitting t-shirts and track pants, people, with a complete lack of care or interest in their personal presentation. i know that UTSC is typically an ugly school, with nothing to look at especially in comparison to york [in terms of architecture AND individuals], but today is simply ridiculous and inexcusable.
given, a certain degree of ugliness during this especially horrendous exam period is acceptable. showering unfortunately, becomes optional [FOR SOME...myself of course, not included]. hair maintenance is at a minimum. and dress is by far, at the bottom of the barrel. but there needs to be a line drawn at some point. and whatever happened to UTSC police kicking out UofT wannabes out of the school? the aunties and uncles [some genunine, some just look like they could be] are lowering our standards, which, although meagre, are standards nonetheless.
your interest in this increasingly alarming status of UTSC is appreciated. updates will be posted on the aesthetic appeal of the school and its students as they become available. we are hopeful that there will be improvements to report, but this is only possible with your help. here are some ways you can show your support:
-SHOWER
-BRUSH YOUR HAIR
-WEAR RELATIVELY CLEAN CLOTHING
-WEAR RELATIVELY WELL-FITTING CLOTHING
-DON'T CHEW WITH YOUR DAMN MOUTH OPEN
-DON'T SMILE AT NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE BY YOURSELF [creeps me out]
thanks you for your concern. now back to your regularly scheduled study time.
i have made a discovery while studying here at my beloved UTSC. being the studious little bunny i am, studying here on a surprisingly temperate sunday afternoon, it has been brought to my attention that apparently there is an unmistakable influx of ugliness at UTSC on the weekends. perhaps i am generalizing, i mean i suppose i can't really speak for saturday when i make this claim, but i stand by it nonetheless.
UFI [ugliness factor index] readings are through the roof on this unsuspecting sunday. there are ugly people EVERYWHERE. seemingly innumerable ugly people who dress ugly, eat ugly, smell ugly have somehow infiltrated the school, and are in every corner, every nook and yes, every cubicle.
now, i know i'm not one to comment on the subject of ugliness [specifically, the dressing ugly part...or the ugly hair part] but if even i took notice, there is definitely something wrong with this picture. in the VERY long line-up for tim horton's, i saw people i have never seen here before, people dressed in pyjamas, people wearing extremely ill-fitting t-shirts and track pants, people, with a complete lack of care or interest in their personal presentation. i know that UTSC is typically an ugly school, with nothing to look at especially in comparison to york [in terms of architecture AND individuals], but today is simply ridiculous and inexcusable.
given, a certain degree of ugliness during this especially horrendous exam period is acceptable. showering unfortunately, becomes optional [FOR SOME...myself of course, not included]. hair maintenance is at a minimum. and dress is by far, at the bottom of the barrel. but there needs to be a line drawn at some point. and whatever happened to UTSC police kicking out UofT wannabes out of the school? the aunties and uncles [some genunine, some just look like they could be] are lowering our standards, which, although meagre, are standards nonetheless.
your interest in this increasingly alarming status of UTSC is appreciated. updates will be posted on the aesthetic appeal of the school and its students as they become available. we are hopeful that there will be improvements to report, but this is only possible with your help. here are some ways you can show your support:
-SHOWER
-BRUSH YOUR HAIR
-WEAR RELATIVELY CLEAN CLOTHING
-WEAR RELATIVELY WELL-FITTING CLOTHING
-DON'T CHEW WITH YOUR DAMN MOUTH OPEN
-DON'T SMILE AT NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE BY YOURSELF [creeps me out]
thanks you for your concern. now back to your regularly scheduled study time.
11.16.2006
update you probably didn't need.
even though my blog list is filled with "drafts", i don't have much more i'd like to say than i am SO unmotivated right now to write my two 15 page essays due next week. i probably had the most unproductive day ever, and i am still SO unmotivated.
yesterday was alright. went to the bright ideas wrap party. those people at summerhill group are incredibly cool. i'll definitely miss my former IME drummer turned program supervisor, cos he is the SHIT! =) hope to work with them all again.
i am suddenly and inexplicably mesmerized by nicole ritchie. and loving her new dark hair. if i knew how to post photos in this thing, i would. maybe later. anyway, she's wicked.
GAP is finally over with. i will miss the people i used to work with [minus the onslaught of new hires who attempted to give ME dirty looks, and tell ME what to do on the floor, i don't think so, sister] and the discount. it is the end of an era, indeed. but i don't regret my decision. it took me a long time to let go of that place simply because it was bearable and i was comfortable. it took a lot, but i finally let go, and will hopefully move on to bigger if not better things. i hope.
somebody needs to keep me off facebook. like seriously. it's quite boring when you have nothing to do, but the second you have an assignment on your hands, it transforms into an obsession you simply can't get enough of. who updated their profile? who has new pictures? who cares if i don't know these people, i'll still spend a good fifteen minutes on their profile anyway! it's sick i tell you, just plain sick.
the grand finale of undergrad is beginning to creep up, and creep me out. things might suddenly be real [gasp] which means i have things to do and plan for [crap]. but then good old non-motivation and her sister procrastination, the only constants of my life are there to tell me to wait until tomorrow. and so i shall.
that's all. not much of an update, but deal.
yesterday was alright. went to the bright ideas wrap party. those people at summerhill group are incredibly cool. i'll definitely miss my former IME drummer turned program supervisor, cos he is the SHIT! =) hope to work with them all again.
i am suddenly and inexplicably mesmerized by nicole ritchie. and loving her new dark hair. if i knew how to post photos in this thing, i would. maybe later. anyway, she's wicked.
GAP is finally over with. i will miss the people i used to work with [minus the onslaught of new hires who attempted to give ME dirty looks, and tell ME what to do on the floor, i don't think so, sister] and the discount. it is the end of an era, indeed. but i don't regret my decision. it took me a long time to let go of that place simply because it was bearable and i was comfortable. it took a lot, but i finally let go, and will hopefully move on to bigger if not better things. i hope.
somebody needs to keep me off facebook. like seriously. it's quite boring when you have nothing to do, but the second you have an assignment on your hands, it transforms into an obsession you simply can't get enough of. who updated their profile? who has new pictures? who cares if i don't know these people, i'll still spend a good fifteen minutes on their profile anyway! it's sick i tell you, just plain sick.
the grand finale of undergrad is beginning to creep up, and creep me out. things might suddenly be real [gasp] which means i have things to do and plan for [crap]. but then good old non-motivation and her sister procrastination, the only constants of my life are there to tell me to wait until tomorrow. and so i shall.
that's all. not much of an update, but deal.
11.08.2006
[no title]
i am extremely frustrated.
that's all i really have to say. i don't particularly want to go on here and depress anyone, but sometimes, you just can't help but wonder if there was a big, fucking mistake made along the way. you can't help but wonder "what if?" and "if only..."
it's gotta be tough, when everything you've ever known as right, and good is completely swept out from under you. when you have nothing left to believe in, and the blows just get lower and lower. when the person you should be able to trust wholeheartedly is apparently incompetent, overtly insensitive, and outright stupid.
and where is the reasoning in all of this? where is the logic, and whose is it? why do these things happen as they do? why is the solution so close, so tangible, yet never realized due to the same, fucking, roadblock? why do you have to compromise so much? i'm sure i seem like i complain a lot, but i don't fucking care. some things just aren't right.
i'm sorry. i wish i could take it all away. i wish i could make it all better.
things might be so different.
that's all i really have to say. i don't particularly want to go on here and depress anyone, but sometimes, you just can't help but wonder if there was a big, fucking mistake made along the way. you can't help but wonder "what if?" and "if only..."
it's gotta be tough, when everything you've ever known as right, and good is completely swept out from under you. when you have nothing left to believe in, and the blows just get lower and lower. when the person you should be able to trust wholeheartedly is apparently incompetent, overtly insensitive, and outright stupid.
and where is the reasoning in all of this? where is the logic, and whose is it? why do these things happen as they do? why is the solution so close, so tangible, yet never realized due to the same, fucking, roadblock? why do you have to compromise so much? i'm sure i seem like i complain a lot, but i don't fucking care. some things just aren't right.
i'm sorry. i wish i could take it all away. i wish i could make it all better.
things might be so different.
11.01.2006
ask why...
inspired by the toronto star's new theme entitled "ask why", i thought i would entertain my own rendition. enjoy. [yes, this is two posts in one day...]
- why is there such immense suffering in the world? why are we so unexposed to it? and even when we are, why are we so immune to it?
- why does 50 cent feel he can sing?
- why are leggings back in style?
- why does the university of toronto make things as difficult as possible?
- why do we want what we can't have?
- why do women have to rip the hair out of their bodies while men are free to be as hairy, fat, and lazy as they like? [oops...]
- why am i addicted to facebook? [you ask yourself that question everyday, i know you do.]
- why do girls leave their hair out and wear dangly earrings while working out at the gym? WHY?!
- why did the iPod become such an overt symbol of current pop culture?
- why do certain oriental people talk so goddamn loud? and why do they drive so goddamn terribly?
- why is there so much cancer in our world?
- why did the hundredth US soldier die this month in afghanistan? why are so so SO many more civilians dying each day? and why do we tolerate this?
- why do boys give mixed signals? why don't they have brains?
- why is procrastination such a common tendency?
- why can't things just happen?
- why do we purposely put ourselves in positions to get hurt? why do we do it over and over again?
- why can't you fully trust even your best of friends?
- why is religion such a big deal?
- why can't boys and girls ever be JUST friends?
- why are we so dependent on the internet?
...why am i writing this?
because if you never ask, you'll never know.
- why is there such immense suffering in the world? why are we so unexposed to it? and even when we are, why are we so immune to it?
- why does 50 cent feel he can sing?
- why are leggings back in style?
- why does the university of toronto make things as difficult as possible?
- why do we want what we can't have?
- why do women have to rip the hair out of their bodies while men are free to be as hairy, fat, and lazy as they like? [oops...]
- why am i addicted to facebook? [you ask yourself that question everyday, i know you do.]
- why do girls leave their hair out and wear dangly earrings while working out at the gym? WHY?!
- why did the iPod become such an overt symbol of current pop culture?
- why do certain oriental people talk so goddamn loud? and why do they drive so goddamn terribly?
- why is there so much cancer in our world?
- why did the hundredth US soldier die this month in afghanistan? why are so so SO many more civilians dying each day? and why do we tolerate this?
- why do boys give mixed signals? why don't they have brains?
- why is procrastination such a common tendency?
- why can't things just happen?
- why do we purposely put ourselves in positions to get hurt? why do we do it over and over again?
- why can't you fully trust even your best of friends?
- why is religion such a big deal?
- why can't boys and girls ever be JUST friends?
- why are we so dependent on the internet?
...why am i writing this?
because if you never ask, you'll never know.
2am babble. that's exactly what this is.
i miss,
+ simplicity
+ the way things used to be
+ sleep without dreams, without nightmares
+ comfort
+ honesty, innocence, and truth
+ interest
+ knowing it's going to be okay
haven't had much to write about lately. but when it gets late enough, there's always something lurking...somewhere. change is the only constant we have in life, and it is of course, inevitable. change seems to occur more and more rapidly as we get older. the world we've known throughout childhood is undergoing so many changes, and our new realities are thrust upon us whether we want them or not.
it is, however, important to remember how things used to be. a simpler time, when simple things meant the world. as we change and grow, it seems our threshold of interest, education, entertainment, skill--everything, is on the rise. it takes more to get us motivated, more to get us excited. this is of course, only natural, because we as humans are not static creatures. we are constantly shifting and evolving in many ways. Through such mediums as mind, body and culture, we realize and experience new things at any given moment. no time is the same as that before it, and it is this constant change that is progress, and growth, without which we might still be old world monkeys, picking shit out of each other's fur.
but we're not. and it is this progress that of course, makes us who and how we are today. yet i still find myself longing for what used to be. the time when we [as young adolescents, and/or what not] did not have to worry about bills. and eating the recommended 5-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. and saving energy. and running on the treadmill. and what other people think. and going on first dates. when things like this didn't matter. when we were taken care of. maybe that's what i'm getting at. i find i miss being taken care of, a little. this is not to say that i don't value my independence, which i wholly do [and i couldn't imagine myself without]. but, once in a while it might be nice to just be, without worrying.
maybe not. as we get older, and as we are accustomed to increasing responsibility for ourselves, we create our own preferences and habits. preferences and habits which could not have been forged without us, and our personal input, whether conscious or not. and i suppose, this would likely be part of the way in which we create our own personalities. the different ways we all are, the different ways we all dress, the different things we care about, all these things are not innate, and are shaped of course, in terms of our culture and the types of things and situations we are exposed to. however, as we learn and grow, we discover more and more about the world, and ourselves. this then reflects on our increasingly varying personalities, until we feel we've got it down pat, and we are who we want to be.
although, i doubt that day ever comes.
perhaps i'm writing this because i feel i grew up too fast. i wasn't able to get all that i feel i should have gotten. but then, can anyone actually say they KNOW they've gotten all they should have, and call it a day? life isn't prepackaged. there's no instruction manual. you take what you get, and you make the best of it.
because if you don't, then you're missing out, on this [potentially] beautiful life...
+ simplicity
+ the way things used to be
+ sleep without dreams, without nightmares
+ comfort
+ honesty, innocence, and truth
+ interest
+ knowing it's going to be okay
haven't had much to write about lately. but when it gets late enough, there's always something lurking...somewhere. change is the only constant we have in life, and it is of course, inevitable. change seems to occur more and more rapidly as we get older. the world we've known throughout childhood is undergoing so many changes, and our new realities are thrust upon us whether we want them or not.
it is, however, important to remember how things used to be. a simpler time, when simple things meant the world. as we change and grow, it seems our threshold of interest, education, entertainment, skill--everything, is on the rise. it takes more to get us motivated, more to get us excited. this is of course, only natural, because we as humans are not static creatures. we are constantly shifting and evolving in many ways. Through such mediums as mind, body and culture, we realize and experience new things at any given moment. no time is the same as that before it, and it is this constant change that is progress, and growth, without which we might still be old world monkeys, picking shit out of each other's fur.
but we're not. and it is this progress that of course, makes us who and how we are today. yet i still find myself longing for what used to be. the time when we [as young adolescents, and/or what not] did not have to worry about bills. and eating the recommended 5-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. and saving energy. and running on the treadmill. and what other people think. and going on first dates. when things like this didn't matter. when we were taken care of. maybe that's what i'm getting at. i find i miss being taken care of, a little. this is not to say that i don't value my independence, which i wholly do [and i couldn't imagine myself without]. but, once in a while it might be nice to just be, without worrying.
maybe not. as we get older, and as we are accustomed to increasing responsibility for ourselves, we create our own preferences and habits. preferences and habits which could not have been forged without us, and our personal input, whether conscious or not. and i suppose, this would likely be part of the way in which we create our own personalities. the different ways we all are, the different ways we all dress, the different things we care about, all these things are not innate, and are shaped of course, in terms of our culture and the types of things and situations we are exposed to. however, as we learn and grow, we discover more and more about the world, and ourselves. this then reflects on our increasingly varying personalities, until we feel we've got it down pat, and we are who we want to be.
although, i doubt that day ever comes.
perhaps i'm writing this because i feel i grew up too fast. i wasn't able to get all that i feel i should have gotten. but then, can anyone actually say they KNOW they've gotten all they should have, and call it a day? life isn't prepackaged. there's no instruction manual. you take what you get, and you make the best of it.
because if you don't, then you're missing out, on this [potentially] beautiful life...
10.13.2006
what's it all worth, anyway?
it is FAR too late, and i am FAR too unmotivated. WHERE did it all go? ugh...
i am convinced that university is a guise under which there is an underlying goal to stress students out BEYOND belief; perhaps ensuring our untimely demise due to stress-related illnesses, such as cancer, heart disease, stroke, and the like. [one might wonder who the beneficiaries of the proliferation of these diseases might be...?] the amount of stress we are under at our relatively young age has been unprecedented in our parents and those before them. [no matter HOW much your parents say they did when they were your age, you can't tell me that milking cows and looking after a farm was mentally draining, you just can't.] the difference in our relatively insignificant stress compared to that of say, people fighting for their very existence in far away countries, is that our stress, comprised of incomprehensible amounts of information to memorize for exams, and seemingly inacheivable amounts of research to complete for papers and assignments, is one that we have KNOWINGLY and WILLINGLY accepted. we have actually invited this stress into our lives; it is stress that we LITERALLY pay for.
so is this stress, really necessary? if i live in afghanistan, and i'm stressed out about my family and i making it through the next day, i would say that's a good reason to stress. that's unavoidable, given the unfortunate circumstances. in comparison, me being stressed about my marks, my midterms, my assignments, just doesn't seem, well, worth it. we are SO lucky to have it so much better than so so so many people out there in the world, yet, we feel the need to make it tougher and tougher for ourselves. why is that?
i suppose it's human nature to always push on, and try to be the best one can be. the ideals of our capitalist society deem that we constantly need to work ourselves harder to earn more and more wealth via status, knowledge and of course, money. but is it ever enough? will we ever be satisfied? is the state of ultimate contentedness so elusive in our world? and if so, why is that, and what are we really pushing our limits for?
i don't believe that life is as complicated as we make it out to be...i just hope we all realize that while we still have the power to change it.
so chill, relax, c'est tranquille... ;)
soph*
i am convinced that university is a guise under which there is an underlying goal to stress students out BEYOND belief; perhaps ensuring our untimely demise due to stress-related illnesses, such as cancer, heart disease, stroke, and the like. [one might wonder who the beneficiaries of the proliferation of these diseases might be...?] the amount of stress we are under at our relatively young age has been unprecedented in our parents and those before them. [no matter HOW much your parents say they did when they were your age, you can't tell me that milking cows and looking after a farm was mentally draining, you just can't.] the difference in our relatively insignificant stress compared to that of say, people fighting for their very existence in far away countries, is that our stress, comprised of incomprehensible amounts of information to memorize for exams, and seemingly inacheivable amounts of research to complete for papers and assignments, is one that we have KNOWINGLY and WILLINGLY accepted. we have actually invited this stress into our lives; it is stress that we LITERALLY pay for.
so is this stress, really necessary? if i live in afghanistan, and i'm stressed out about my family and i making it through the next day, i would say that's a good reason to stress. that's unavoidable, given the unfortunate circumstances. in comparison, me being stressed about my marks, my midterms, my assignments, just doesn't seem, well, worth it. we are SO lucky to have it so much better than so so so many people out there in the world, yet, we feel the need to make it tougher and tougher for ourselves. why is that?
i suppose it's human nature to always push on, and try to be the best one can be. the ideals of our capitalist society deem that we constantly need to work ourselves harder to earn more and more wealth via status, knowledge and of course, money. but is it ever enough? will we ever be satisfied? is the state of ultimate contentedness so elusive in our world? and if so, why is that, and what are we really pushing our limits for?
i don't believe that life is as complicated as we make it out to be...i just hope we all realize that while we still have the power to change it.
so chill, relax, c'est tranquille... ;)
soph*
10.10.2006
HERE'S a bright idea for you...
say the word "FREE" at a retail store, and you'll draw a huge, bustling, frothing-at-the-mouth crowd in no time.
for the next four weeks or so, i'm working at such a retail store, promoting energy savings via the use of compact flourescent lightbulbs [or "CFLs", as the energy-savvy call them], torchiere lamps, and seasonal LED lights [no, i don't remember what LED stands for]. this event is entitled "Bright Ideas" and is being hosted by Toronto Hydro, along with a few other environmental organizations. it's a great opportunity to learn about energy savings, as well as get free lightbulbs [if you're brave] and coupons to save you money and save toronto energy, so come out!
so i walk into the home depot saturday morning, bright and early at 9am, and there is a crowd of maybe 15-20 people WAITING for their free lightbulbs. i am then told that many of these people have been waiting since 6am. the store opened at 7am. the lightbulb giveaway starts at 10am. that's a total of 4 hours waiting, one of them outside. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? well, to the credit of these crazies, there was no time advertised on the distributed flyers, so, i guess they can't wholly be blamed. i GUESS.
i proceed to meekly tell these people that although i am here, my fellow team members will be arriving at 10am, and if they would like to continue their shopping they were more than welcome to, as there were 500 packs of lightbulbs to be given away. needless to say, people were less than happy. and so as i unpacked my things, and began to set up, they stood in a little bunch before me, looking puzzled and annoyed at the same time. weird. after a while, an old lady comes up and asks me what she needs to fill out to get her lightbulbs, and so i tell her with a smile it's a short little survey which asks for her postal code, as well as a few other questions. suddenly her eyes narrow, and she says loudly, "well WHY don't you just hand out the surveys NOW so that we can do SOMETHING while we're waiting? isn't this thing all about efficiency? you're not being very efficient!".
oh hell no.
the smile drops from my face, and i less than lovingly reply that the survey takes about 30 seconds to complete, so it wouldn't really be advantageous to her to complete the survey, and then continue waiting another 30 minutes. i then turn my back and continue setting up. later on, when this lady receives her lightbulbs, she looks at me with a gaze that could kill, snatches them away and turns her back. you're freaking welcome. over the course of the weekend we encountered more than our fair share of nuts. there were many repeat customers, who thought that if they took off their sweater, they would magically turn into a different person and as such, were rightfully entitled to get back in line to receive another pack of lightbulbs that cost a whopping $5 with the coupon [$8 without]. contrary to what seems to be popular belief, toronto hydro is NOT here to outfit your entire home with lightbulbs, but merely to offer a sample to try out. then there were upset customers, complaining they didn't receive their free bulbs. we ran out relatively quickly, and had a line-up during the first couple of hours while giving the lightbulbs away. the rest of the day [approximately 12pm-6pm] consisted of us telling each and every customer who walked up to our booth that we had already served our first 500 customers but we would be back next weekend, same bat time, same bat channel. EACH AND EVERY CUSTOMER. very annoying.
i think working in retail in general makes one aware of the true nature of the human race. one thing i've realized while working the past 5-6 years in this lucrative field, is that people will do ANYTHING to get what they want. you've all seen it: boxing day INSANITY. people greedily grabbing at everything on sale, regardless of whether it's their size, or if they even like it, playing tug-of-war over half-price scarves and gloves, and arguing over who saw the last size small first in the most hideous sweater you've ever seen. i've seen the scratch marks first hand, so i know it happens. even on regular days, customers will try to return ANYTHING and everything they possibly can. it's funny how things you've never worn and have just been sitting in your closet smell like tide. people will argue for a damaged discount on anything. "there is a RIP in these jeans, i want a discount," demands a customer, to which i reply, "uh, miss, that's the style, they're all like that,".
unless you've worked in retail, you won't empathize with the employee plastered with a fake smile, folding, and refolding that same table at 15 minute intervals throughout the day. customers are vile, VILE beings, who will turn over the entire pile, searching for a size large, and upon finding it, will proceed to pick it up, unfold it, hold it in front of them, look at the price tag, and drop it right back down as they continue onto the next. if only that customer would look up for a minute to notice the looks of death they were receiving from surrounding employees.
don't treat retail employees and managers like shit. they're part of the service industry, and they WILL serve you, they have to, it's their job. don't go out of your way to yell at them and leave upset piles of clothes in your wake. a job in retail or fast food is pretty down there when it comes to the low end of the work spectrum, and i can speak for most retail employees when i say that you will be made to do as much as possible for that little amount you get paid. "but i didn't get hired to scrub the bathroom floor" is not an excuse.
the next time you're at a retail store, fast food chain, or home depot energy savings giveaway of some sort, wait patiently, and be nice to those SERVING you. smile, and try to give these people hope that humankind isn't so lost that they have no more feeling, kindness, and at least sympathy, if not empathy in their hearts. the customer may always be right in theory, but they need the retailers as much as the retailers need them.
respeK to my fellow slaves of the western world.
soph*
for the next four weeks or so, i'm working at such a retail store, promoting energy savings via the use of compact flourescent lightbulbs [or "CFLs", as the energy-savvy call them], torchiere lamps, and seasonal LED lights [no, i don't remember what LED stands for]. this event is entitled "Bright Ideas" and is being hosted by Toronto Hydro, along with a few other environmental organizations. it's a great opportunity to learn about energy savings, as well as get free lightbulbs [if you're brave] and coupons to save you money and save toronto energy, so come out!
so i walk into the home depot saturday morning, bright and early at 9am, and there is a crowd of maybe 15-20 people WAITING for their free lightbulbs. i am then told that many of these people have been waiting since 6am. the store opened at 7am. the lightbulb giveaway starts at 10am. that's a total of 4 hours waiting, one of them outside. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? well, to the credit of these crazies, there was no time advertised on the distributed flyers, so, i guess they can't wholly be blamed. i GUESS.
i proceed to meekly tell these people that although i am here, my fellow team members will be arriving at 10am, and if they would like to continue their shopping they were more than welcome to, as there were 500 packs of lightbulbs to be given away. needless to say, people were less than happy. and so as i unpacked my things, and began to set up, they stood in a little bunch before me, looking puzzled and annoyed at the same time. weird. after a while, an old lady comes up and asks me what she needs to fill out to get her lightbulbs, and so i tell her with a smile it's a short little survey which asks for her postal code, as well as a few other questions. suddenly her eyes narrow, and she says loudly, "well WHY don't you just hand out the surveys NOW so that we can do SOMETHING while we're waiting? isn't this thing all about efficiency? you're not being very efficient!".
oh hell no.
the smile drops from my face, and i less than lovingly reply that the survey takes about 30 seconds to complete, so it wouldn't really be advantageous to her to complete the survey, and then continue waiting another 30 minutes. i then turn my back and continue setting up. later on, when this lady receives her lightbulbs, she looks at me with a gaze that could kill, snatches them away and turns her back. you're freaking welcome. over the course of the weekend we encountered more than our fair share of nuts. there were many repeat customers, who thought that if they took off their sweater, they would magically turn into a different person and as such, were rightfully entitled to get back in line to receive another pack of lightbulbs that cost a whopping $5 with the coupon [$8 without]. contrary to what seems to be popular belief, toronto hydro is NOT here to outfit your entire home with lightbulbs, but merely to offer a sample to try out. then there were upset customers, complaining they didn't receive their free bulbs. we ran out relatively quickly, and had a line-up during the first couple of hours while giving the lightbulbs away. the rest of the day [approximately 12pm-6pm] consisted of us telling each and every customer who walked up to our booth that we had already served our first 500 customers but we would be back next weekend, same bat time, same bat channel. EACH AND EVERY CUSTOMER. very annoying.
i think working in retail in general makes one aware of the true nature of the human race. one thing i've realized while working the past 5-6 years in this lucrative field, is that people will do ANYTHING to get what they want. you've all seen it: boxing day INSANITY. people greedily grabbing at everything on sale, regardless of whether it's their size, or if they even like it, playing tug-of-war over half-price scarves and gloves, and arguing over who saw the last size small first in the most hideous sweater you've ever seen. i've seen the scratch marks first hand, so i know it happens. even on regular days, customers will try to return ANYTHING and everything they possibly can. it's funny how things you've never worn and have just been sitting in your closet smell like tide. people will argue for a damaged discount on anything. "there is a RIP in these jeans, i want a discount," demands a customer, to which i reply, "uh, miss, that's the style, they're all like that,".
unless you've worked in retail, you won't empathize with the employee plastered with a fake smile, folding, and refolding that same table at 15 minute intervals throughout the day. customers are vile, VILE beings, who will turn over the entire pile, searching for a size large, and upon finding it, will proceed to pick it up, unfold it, hold it in front of them, look at the price tag, and drop it right back down as they continue onto the next. if only that customer would look up for a minute to notice the looks of death they were receiving from surrounding employees.
don't treat retail employees and managers like shit. they're part of the service industry, and they WILL serve you, they have to, it's their job. don't go out of your way to yell at them and leave upset piles of clothes in your wake. a job in retail or fast food is pretty down there when it comes to the low end of the work spectrum, and i can speak for most retail employees when i say that you will be made to do as much as possible for that little amount you get paid. "but i didn't get hired to scrub the bathroom floor" is not an excuse.
the next time you're at a retail store, fast food chain, or home depot energy savings giveaway of some sort, wait patiently, and be nice to those SERVING you. smile, and try to give these people hope that humankind isn't so lost that they have no more feeling, kindness, and at least sympathy, if not empathy in their hearts. the customer may always be right in theory, but they need the retailers as much as the retailers need them.
respeK to my fellow slaves of the western world.
soph*
10.06.2006
stop. just for a second.
i find time is going by far too quickly.
remember when you were a kid, and weeks, months, and especially years would absolutely DRAG. it would take forever for your birthday/christmas/summer to come, and the year between ages 12 and 13 was monstrous, it seemed. whatever happened to that?
now it seems that weeks positively FLY by. i remember last friday like it was, well, yesterday. there's no more waiting, our lives are a constant GO. between school, work, studying, transporting ourselves, sleeping, and occasionally, entertaining ourselves, there is NO time. we absolutely pack our days and nights full of these necessary activities so much so, there is no room left for life itself. not enough time to consciously discover new things, to discuss issues with our friends and expand our horizons to become better people.
maybe i'm getting ahead of myself here, but it seems to me, that life has sped up, big time. i think it's a combination of our "young adult" status, as well as our increasingly global world, teeming with new technology, and new ideas to keep up with, which force us to constantly be on the go. energy drinks are one such product of this way of life. i'm sure it was once unheard of to drink caffeine, guarana, or sugar to KEEP us awake, let alone make us better at the things we do. today, they're a norm. you will not find many university students who HAVEN'T tried a red bull to stay awake to study for an exam, or to take an exam.
however, this, i think is a very western reality. i haven't travelled east of England, but from what i hear, things are very different in many eastern countries. life is less of a run around, and more of, a life (at least in some places). people get more paid holidays, take more breaks during their day, don't work their asses off, and are content with what they have. [i'm not saying that that's everywhere, we are so far removed from the tragedies of many eastern countries, it's ridiculous...but that's another post.] maybe it's the increasingly greedy capitalist society in which we live, that drives us on, pushing our noses closer and closer to the grindstone, until we have no perception of "what could be".
i never want to lose sight of that. i never want to be so overcome with materialism and desire, that i lose sight of the earth i live on and the world community i live among, because humanity is what we're all a part of, and that's what we're truly made of. it's not worth it to me to lose sight of this. the world is a temporary stay that we have, and while we should make the very best of it we can to ensure our health, well-being and security, there is SO much more out there to live, experience, and love than i'm sure any of us can imagine.
so, what began as a rant about myself having NO time to breathe between school/work/studying, turned into a wistful reflection on the goodness of humanity itself.
that was random. double you tee eff?! =)
soph*
remember when you were a kid, and weeks, months, and especially years would absolutely DRAG. it would take forever for your birthday/christmas/summer to come, and the year between ages 12 and 13 was monstrous, it seemed. whatever happened to that?
now it seems that weeks positively FLY by. i remember last friday like it was, well, yesterday. there's no more waiting, our lives are a constant GO. between school, work, studying, transporting ourselves, sleeping, and occasionally, entertaining ourselves, there is NO time. we absolutely pack our days and nights full of these necessary activities so much so, there is no room left for life itself. not enough time to consciously discover new things, to discuss issues with our friends and expand our horizons to become better people.
maybe i'm getting ahead of myself here, but it seems to me, that life has sped up, big time. i think it's a combination of our "young adult" status, as well as our increasingly global world, teeming with new technology, and new ideas to keep up with, which force us to constantly be on the go. energy drinks are one such product of this way of life. i'm sure it was once unheard of to drink caffeine, guarana, or sugar to KEEP us awake, let alone make us better at the things we do. today, they're a norm. you will not find many university students who HAVEN'T tried a red bull to stay awake to study for an exam, or to take an exam.
however, this, i think is a very western reality. i haven't travelled east of England, but from what i hear, things are very different in many eastern countries. life is less of a run around, and more of, a life (at least in some places). people get more paid holidays, take more breaks during their day, don't work their asses off, and are content with what they have. [i'm not saying that that's everywhere, we are so far removed from the tragedies of many eastern countries, it's ridiculous...but that's another post.] maybe it's the increasingly greedy capitalist society in which we live, that drives us on, pushing our noses closer and closer to the grindstone, until we have no perception of "what could be".
i never want to lose sight of that. i never want to be so overcome with materialism and desire, that i lose sight of the earth i live on and the world community i live among, because humanity is what we're all a part of, and that's what we're truly made of. it's not worth it to me to lose sight of this. the world is a temporary stay that we have, and while we should make the very best of it we can to ensure our health, well-being and security, there is SO much more out there to live, experience, and love than i'm sure any of us can imagine.
so, what began as a rant about myself having NO time to breathe between school/work/studying, turned into a wistful reflection on the goodness of humanity itself.
that was random. double you tee eff?! =)
soph*
9.26.2006
it had to be done...
dear readers-to-be,
in response to comments of my previous attempt at a blog as being "way too depressing" (direct quote) i have decided to start afresh. the reason for my other blog coming off the way it did was likely because i really only wrote in it when i was in a mood, and had something to complain about. here, i hope to write more often and when i am in a variety of moods...oh, and of course, with something to complain about. try as i might, i've never been able to fully supress my inner cynicist, so why not embrace it?!
i guess it's suffice to say that this blog will be filled with moody, humourous and maybe even sarcastic (!) entries about life in general, including observations, loves, complaints, thoughts, praises, dreams, hates, questions, and personal quasi-philosophies, mostly posted during the wee hours of the night (the time i am MOST...apt?) by yours truly. maybe some other stuff too, if i feel like it.
here, i hope to provide you with a little more. a little more perspective, insight and thought (even if it is random)...basically, a little more conversation concerning certain topics and other things that interest and/or strike me for one reason or another. i invite you to visit as you like to read, comment, and add your thoughts...or not. that's basically a nice way of saying i post what i want, and you read it! i've said it before and i'll say it again, i feel that blogging is perhaps a TAD self-serving; a way for one to freely talk about oneself (without too much inhibition) to anyone who will read it. then again, i'm not exactly forcing you, so, maybe it's not that bad? oh, who am i kidding, you're lucky you're here.
enjoy.
-soph
in response to comments of my previous attempt at a blog as being "way too depressing" (direct quote) i have decided to start afresh. the reason for my other blog coming off the way it did was likely because i really only wrote in it when i was in a mood, and had something to complain about. here, i hope to write more often and when i am in a variety of moods...oh, and of course, with something to complain about. try as i might, i've never been able to fully supress my inner cynicist, so why not embrace it?!
i guess it's suffice to say that this blog will be filled with moody, humourous and maybe even sarcastic (!) entries about life in general, including observations, loves, complaints, thoughts, praises, dreams, hates, questions, and personal quasi-philosophies, mostly posted during the wee hours of the night (the time i am MOST...apt?) by yours truly. maybe some other stuff too, if i feel like it.
here, i hope to provide you with a little more. a little more perspective, insight and thought (even if it is random)...basically, a little more conversation concerning certain topics and other things that interest and/or strike me for one reason or another. i invite you to visit as you like to read, comment, and add your thoughts...or not. that's basically a nice way of saying i post what i want, and you read it! i've said it before and i'll say it again, i feel that blogging is perhaps a TAD self-serving; a way for one to freely talk about oneself (without too much inhibition) to anyone who will read it. then again, i'm not exactly forcing you, so, maybe it's not that bad? oh, who am i kidding, you're lucky you're here.
enjoy.
-soph
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